• The Corporatic Oath

    I swear by Plutus a Cornucopia and Demeter and Persephone and last but not least Priapus and all the gods and goddesses, making them my witnesses, that I will fulfill according to my ability and judgment this oath and covenant:

    To hold he (or she) who has taught me this art as equal to my coffers and to live my life in domination of him, and if he is in need of money to give him none of mine, and to regard his offspring as equally undeserving in materialistic lineage and to teach them nothing of this cruel art - even if they desire to learn it - except perhaps for a handsome fee or dowry; to give a share of precepts and oral instruction and all the other learning to my sons and to the sons of him who has instructed me and to pupils who have signed the covenant and have taken an oath according to the medical law, but no other law-- too bad, so sad, I will see you in court else this burden will be taken up by those less successful than myself, but no not me.

    I will apply dietetic measures for the benefit of the shareholder at the expense of the sick according to my ability and judgment; I will keep them well fed and well compensated even if this widens inequality.

    I will neither give a deadly drug to anybody who asked for it, nor will I make a suggestion to this effect—first, who knows which drugs are deadly? Also then who will pay, who will buy? Similarly I will not give to a woman an abortive remedy. In purity and selfishness I will guard my life and my coffers and my dividends.

    I will not use the knife not even on sufferers from bankruptcy, but will withdraw in favor of such losers as are engaged in this work.

    Whatever houses I may visit, I will come for the benefit of the board, remaining free of all intentional injustice, but creating victims to loads of meh injustice, of all mischief or carelessness, and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons, whomever I can intimidate or assault and not get caught. What I may see or hear in the course of your mistreatment or even outside of the treatment will be considered in regard to the life of real men, which on no account should be wasted on a broad. I will keep to myself, except when bragging, otherwise holding such things shameful to be spoken about, all the easier to bury the evidence.

    If I fulfill this oath and do not violate it, may it be granted to me to enjoy life and art, being honored with bonuses above all men for all time to come; if I transgress it and treat the populace rightly, may the opposite of all this be my lot: no bonus, threat of fire, and I, too, will be unable to see a physician.

    - S. Sham